The Book of Bitcoin
How to Join the World's Fastest Growing Religion
24 May 2021

Apologies to the religious folk insulted by my comparing religion – I understand why you wouldn’t want to be associated with a bunch of zealots who strongly believe in an abstract doctrine with poorly documented origins. Nevertheless, the similarities are just too hard to ignore.

The clergy are crucial given their reach of influence. These high priests are invited on dying mediums to enlighten the pagans on how a devout commitment to Bitcoin is the only true salvation from the evils of “The Fed”. They will also teach that BTC is digital gold more valuable than all real-world goods because of its artificial divine scarcity.

To join the Bitcoin religion is not as simple as buying BTC on Coinbase. One must follow the strict dogma to be considered a member of the faith. The first rule is to recognize and accept Bitcoin as a monotheistic religion. The communion’s strength relies on followers having an undivided crypto wallet. Any dalliance with ‘shitcoins’ is flagrant heresy.

Secondly, you may only buy BTC and must NEVER sell BTC. Never selling is a very sacred principle that when practiced, ascends your spiritual and physical being to a “HODLer” state. Even on your financial death bed, one must abide by the solemn act of HODLing, as helping restrict the supply of BTC is the most righteous offering a follower can make to the BTC/USD God.

Thirdly, the religion does involve theology. A HODLer must be well-versed in all the main talking points:

Lastly, the source of strength for the BTC/USD God comes from new members, so there is an ordinance of evangelism. Twitter is preferred medium for missionary work, so please please adorn your profile/bio with hierograms such as “#Bitcoin” and adding glowing red lights over your avatar’s eyes. More devout members will amplify the creeds of our holy men by re-tweeting their irreconcilable truths. In moments of FUD, look to tweet/retweet messages like “I’M NEVER SELLING!!” or “I just bought the dip, did you?”. While during moments of “When Lambo?” add fuel to mania-fire by tweeting: “And just imagine the price next year!!” and the classic “🚀🚀🚀”.

Now you have the blueprint to being a Bitcoin HODLer. I suggest you get in now before you become the bag holder(👜👐).