Apologies to the religious folk insulted by my comparing religion – I understand why you wouldn’t
want to be associated with a bunch of zealots who strongly believe in an abstract doctrine with poorly documented origins. Nevertheless, the similarities are just too hard to ignore.
There is the sacred text: the Satoshi white paper
Sacraments: Laser eyes on avi; 💎🙌,
Parables: Like the story of Judas’ Elon’s betrayal
Holy days of observance: Bitcoin Pizza Day
Preaching clergymen spreading the gospel: Saylor, Pomp, Wood, just to name a few.
The clergy are crucial given their reach of influence. These high priests are invited on dying mediums to enlighten the pagans on how a devout commitment to Bitcoin is the only true salvation from the evils of “The Fed”. They will also teach that BTC is digital gold more valuable than all real-world goods because of its artificial divine scarcity.
To join the Bitcoin religion is not as simple as buying BTC on Coinbase. One must follow the strict dogma to be considered a member of the faith.
The first rule is to recognize and accept Bitcoin as a monotheistic religion.
The communion’s strength relies on followers having an undivided crypto wallet. Any dalliance with ‘shitcoins’ is flagrant heresy.
Secondly, you may only buy BTC and must NEVER sell BTC. Never selling is a very sacred principle that when practiced, ascends your spiritual and physical being to a “HODLer” state. Even on your financial death bed, one must abide by the solemn act of HODLing, as helping restrict the supply of BTC is the most righteous offering a follower can make to the BTC/USD God.
Thirdly, the religion does involve theology. A HODLer must be well-versed in all the main talking points:
BTC is a revolutionary one-of-a-kind technology (only to be used when the counterparty knows absolutely nothing about crypto or technology)
It’s a digital currency for peer-to-peer transactions (err, it’s been 12 years and still no traction so maybe we can give up on that one)
It’s a store of value that is protected from the FED’s inflation! (just don’t show them any chart or r2-value that reveals zero relationship between inflation and BTC price)
It can’t be manipulated! (this talking point becomes temporary invalid when a “dip” happens and we need to scapegoat a Whale).
It’s the Apex predator of the financial markets! (just like MySpace is the apex predator of social networks).
You must also study the language of HODLers. HFSP, FUD, BTFD, REKT, Rug pull, are necessary terms to understand. They help identify other members of the faith in echo chambers meassageboards. They are also very useful when it comes time to ratchet up the FOMO on the pagans or shame them for considering shitcoins.
Lastly, the source of strength for the BTC/USD God comes from new members, so there is an ordinance of evangelism. Twitter is preferred medium for missionary work,
so please please adorn your profile/bio with hierograms such as “#Bitcoin” and adding glowing red lights over your avatar’s eyes.
More devout members will amplify the creeds of our holy men by re-tweeting their irreconcilable truths. In moments of FUD, look to tweet/retweet messages like
“I’M NEVER SELLING!!” or “I just bought the dip, did you?”. While during moments of “When Lambo?” add fuel to mania-fire by tweeting:
“And just imagine the price next year!!” and the classic “🚀🚀🚀”.
Now you have the blueprint to being a Bitcoin HODLer. I suggest you get in now before you become the bag holder(👜👐).